This is how we live now

This is how we live now
Blow the future out like birthday candles,
We can’t speak what we truly desire aloud
Age knots the tongue. Today is enough to handle.
Weighed down like Atlas by possibilities
But our heads aren’t up in the clouds.

This is how we live now
Hung only the best version out on the clothing line.
Put happiness upon us like a fresh layer of lipstick
To be unstoppable and incandescent—for a time.
We wipe it from us when we return alone to icy apartments,
Telling ourselves it’s only that we’re homesick.

This is how we live now
Thoughts illuminated by blue screens
The new Williams, trade the doctor pad for an iPhone note
Forgotten in the back pockets of our jeans
Like loose change and other sunken memories
Until the poems get stuck in our throats.

This is how we live now
Branches of our fig trees spread out before us
They told us we could do anything, be anything, see everything
But we prefer to dream in present tense.
We want to taste them all,
Always have been greedy, make us kings.

This is how we live now
In whispers down your spine
Sweat and perfume, didn’t think it would happen this fast
Tangled between bedsheets in the moonshine,
But in the morning, his breadth against your skin
Like dew on a blade of a grass.




Ballet Lessons

One of my ballet teachers used to say
To pull yourself up from your spinal cord.
Hold your own marionette strings each day
From tailbone to top, we are our own swords.

Back to 1945

My grandfather spent his youth dropping bombs over central Europe from the nose of a B-17. On one of his thirty-five missions, enemy fire took out two and a half of the plane’s four engines. Concerned by the extent of shrapnel in the air, the pilot suggested that he land the plane, thinking they wouldn’t make it safely over the Channel. My grandfather argued until the pilot agreed to fly back to the base in England.

He wasn’t trying to be unreasonable. They were suspended over Nazi Germany, and there was a six-pointed star affixed to his uniform.

After Charlottesville, I think of that star, and I think of the rows and rows of European Jews with their yellow stars queuing for death on a train platform, stumbling toward death on a Polish field, crumbling into death at a work camp.

Ashkenazi Jews “pass” as white in the US, but it’s only ever been a temporary visa. We aren’t the first in line to have our welcome revoked, but after the immigrants and the people of color and the Muslims and the LGBTQ and the disabled, still it comes. (PS, don’t assume you’re safe because you’re Christian. We’re particular about our Christians in America, too.)

As a result, I’ve always felt that Jewishness is an entryway to understanding race in America, and that anti-Semitism is an entryway to understanding racism anywhere. No, it’s not the same, and I will never try to argue that it is. American Jews sit in the gray space between the majority and the marginalized. I feel selfish for waiving a minority status that has only ever minimally impacted me, but then, I think of the middle school teacher who insisted that I was Israeli. I think of the distant European cousins I will never meet because their great-grandparents were extinguished like blown matches. I think of my grandfather, who knew that crashing into the English Channel was preferable to landing in Nazi Germany.

Never again, we say. The years pass, leaving behind fewer and fewer of their tattooed forearms, and still, we say never again.

Never again, but more choose to believe in conspiracy theories. Never again, but hate crimes flourish. Never again, but a domestic terrorist left a peaceful protestor dead in the street. Never again, but they chant “Jews will not replace us.”

Our president refuses to be our moral leader, and never again is starting to feel a lot like now. Let’s be clear, there is only one side. We chose it back in 1865 and again in 1945.

When my grandfather made it back to England, he threw himself from the plane and kissed the tarmac. If my grandfather were alive today, hovering above this country, I wonder if he’d be willing to land on American soil, or if he’d tell the pilot to keep flying.

Depraved New World

It’s taken an embarrassingly long time to write this.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but that I could not. There were thoughts—so many thoughts—but I could not hold on to any one of them long enough to mold it into something. It was like sitting down in front of the TV and flicking through every channel, devoting maybe three seconds of screen time to each station. Once you have flipped through them all, while somehow seeing nothing, you realize it will be easier to abstain. You sit back and meet your reflection in the black screen. Yes, it’s much easier to choose nothing, than to decide which syndicated sitcom’s laugh track is less grating.

Horror, it seems, is paralysis.

I woke up one November day deep within the plot of a dystopian novel: “The Cubs have won the World Series. Donald Trump is president of the United States…” I will remember that November day for its stillness. It was as if the sky itself were holding its breath. On the train, the jaws of the commuters around me were clenched tightly, lips pressed into thick lines. Usually, as I exit the station, a smiling black man in a yellow vest hands me a free newspaper and says good morning, while a busker strums her guitar. Not this Wednesday. No good mornings, no acoustic music.

In the following days, I read, maybe too much. I marched, probably not enough. And I thought and I thought, but apparently you can only think so much before you go numb.

One hundred and sixty-six days have passed, and here I am. Here we are. It is April. Red and orange tulips are brimming from the garden plots in the traffic circles. The sun hangs in the sky until 7, even 8 o’clock. It was April when Chaucer’s pilgrims departed on their journey. Like them, I find myself in a strange land, but unlike them, I did not go searching for it.

This world would be easier to confront if I did not know so immediately how everything has gone wrong. To not have one’s phone buzz with another breaking news message of where we have bombed and whom we have hurt.

I take everything that has happened and I scribble it down in my mind like a grocery list: the corruption, the end of truth, the bombs, the Russian interference, the ban, the forthcoming wall, the cabinet, the stolen Supreme Court seat, the nepotism, the hate crimes, the deportations, the disregard for our planet. And there, underlined and bolded, at the top of the list: my belief in this American experiment, in its customs and in its people.

This strange land grew up around me, like these springtime tulips, unnoticed until in total bloom.

It’s comical, too, this place I inhabit now. How comical, to picture White House aids stumbling around in a darkened West Wing because they cannot find the light switches, and to realize that our Commander-in-Chief cannot spell. Of course, one is then forced to acknowledge that he is, in fact, our Commander-in-Chief.

We call it “hysterical laughter” because the source of our amusement is so hilarious that it can only be insane.

So here I am. Here we are. It is time to harness my grief into something. One day, I’ll have a great story to tell. Right now, I’m still trying to find the words to tell it.

Further reading:

I have read far, far too many articles across the past months to create a succinct list, but here are some election-related items that initially came to mind.

Despair and Hope in Trump’s America

Everything mattered: lessons from 2016’s bizarre presidential election

A series of editorials from the LA Times

To the 47 Percent

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you saw experience as elitism and loudness as leadership.

I’m sorry that you accept someone because of his sexism, racism, xenophobia, and homophobia. I’m sorry that you accept someone in spite of his sexism, racism, xenophobia, and homophobia.

I’m sorry you that you believe diversity threatens you. I’m sorry that you do not know or love or rejoice in the diversity that I know.

I’m sorry that the glass ceiling is still thicker than I thought.

I’m sorry that you do not see people when I say progress.

I’m sorry that my beliefs scare and confound you.

I’m sorry that your beliefs scare and confound me.

I’m sorry that you cannot see how my policies support you, too, and I’m sorry that I cannot find a way to say this without patronizing you.

I’m sorry that I have dismissed you. I’m sorry that I still cannot stop myself from doing so.

I’m sorry that you feel we forgot you. I’m sorry that we did.

I’m sorry that my America is not your America. My America is one of hope and love and growth. I wanted that for you, too. I still want that for you.

I’m sorry, but your America is not my America. Your America will never be my America. I am not sorry for that.



The Weight of Summer

I had been waiting for life to press into me like footprints in wet mud
when summer tapped at my shoulders,
swaddled me in unasked arms, fingers thick like woolen blankets,
baked me in the metallic scent of drenched cement
after the thunder screams itself to sleep.

I tried to retreat quietly, but I stretched myself out
too quickly, like a teenager just become too long for his limbs.
I wanted to be light and crisp and breathless,
so unsoaked in summer air that I would evaporate,
a blown bubble the second before it collapses onto itself.

Now, I press my lips together to exhale summer from
where it still swims asynchronously across my skin
soaking memories deep into my pockets.
Every now and again, I plunge my fists into them
and breathe out another peach-soaked sunset.